Day 4: Healing the Wounded Child

When I love and support my inner child, it's easy to be light-hearted!

Hello! How are you doing today? Does it seem like this journey to light-heartedness has some challenging bumps and turns? You're right! It can be challenging, but it's so worth it in the long run! So are you ready to keep going on our healing journey? Great! We're making good progress. Let's keep moving.

Children who grew up in severely dysfunctional families tend to have many deep emotional issues that keep them stuck in emotional ruts later in life. Many times you don't know who you are, don't know what you want to do with your life, or don't know how to get there. You tend to sabotage yourself and find yourself going through the same patterns over and over and over and yet you never understand what you're doing wrong.

Often you tell yourself that it's the other people in your life who are hurting you still today, even though you may have noticed that you are the only common denominator in the on-going dramas that you are creating.

If you grew up in a severely dysfunctional family you probably share many common characteristics of other codependent adults, like low self-esteem or low self worth, poor boundaries, poor communication skills, feeling like a victim, intense neediness or dependency, lack of trust, denial, manipulation and control. Many of you probably became anxious and depressed, isolated and withdrawn, and perhaps even suicidal.

It all goes back to what we discussed earlier. In the early 1900s, people believed that if you gave your children food to eat, and clothes to wear, and put a roof over their head, you were doing a good job as a parent. People didn't have time to even think about issues like self-esteem or higher quality of life. They were far too busy trying to physically survive the best way they could. It wasn't until after the 1950s that we had time and energy to started questioning the way things had always been done, and why we weren't happy, or why we were not able to enjoy all the luxury we had created.

It was only in the 1980's and 1990s that everyday people started talking about things like dysfunctional families, or domestic violence, or physical, verbal, or sexual abuse. You simply didn't talk about those things before. You just accepted the fate you had been given, whatever it was, and tried to make the best of your life. Before that time no one realized that children need unconditional love and emotional support. No one understood the importance of helping children express their feelings and their needs. No one had the necessary information to understand what creates healthy self-esteem.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not excusing the people who hurt you as a child. I believe that there was always an innate understanding about right and wrong and about treating people with love and kindness. Christ, as well as many other great spiritual teachers, taught the spiritual principals of love and kindness thousands of year ago. For people who were committed to living their spirituality, the spiritual principals were always available.

What was not available back then was the knowledge of how to live those spiritual principals on a daily basis. Parents, who had been emotionally traumatized or damaged themselves, didn't know what to do to get past their own issues. In fact, no one had the understanding it took to undo his or her own emotional damage once it was done. Many times, these emotionally wounded people went through their lives being miserable, acting out their own emotional pain, and traumatizing and wounding many more innocent children in the process.

If you were one of those sweet, innocent children who was severely abused or neglected, I just want you to know that I am truly sorry. It is very sad to me that we live in a culture that can build huge skyscrapers and send people to the moon, but we don't know how to love our own children and give them the basic nurturing, and guidance, and support they need to become healthy, happy, functioning adults!

I also want you to know that what you deserved as a child was so much more than abuse and neglect. Whether or not your parents were willing or able to love you unconditionally or treat you with honor and respect, you absolutely deserved it! Loving a child unconditionally is actually very simple when your parents are loving and healthy themselves. But to emotionally damaged parents, providing unconditional love seems to be an insurmountable task.

But remember, the good news is that no matter what happened to you, it's never too late to turn your life around. I've witnessed thousands of people before you doing just that. The stories people tell me are very different, but the feelings are always the same. What we all needed as children was just that pure, unconditional love that our wounded parents simply didn't know how to provide.

Just remember that it's never too late to heal. I know that I can help you learn how to love yourself and love that sweet, innocent child inside you. When you practice giving unconditional love to yourself, you will heal emotionally! Isn't that an exciting thought?

Learning to love your inner child is not easy, especially for those of you who came from severely dysfunctional families. If you were neglected or abused, you may have taken on the belief that you really didn't deserve love. If that happened, learning to love your inner child will take some time and persistence, but I know for sure that you can do it! Luckily, your unconscious mind doesn't know the difference between you loving the child within yourself or having that love come from other sources. So the love you give yourself today goes into your unconscious mind just like the love a healthy parent would give to their cherished, innocent child.

It's very healing to imagine holding that little child in your arms and saying loving, healing words to him or her. When you imagine holding your inner child you might say loving words like “I love you just the way you are,” or, “You're very special and important to me,” or “No matter what happens, I'm always going to be there for you!”

It's also very fun to imagine taking your inner child out to play and imagine doing the things you wish you could have done as a child. Maybe you'd enjoy taking your inner child to the park to play, or maybe you'd like to fly a kite together. Maybe you'll want to go for a walk in the woods or build a sand castle. We'll practice playing with your inner child today, in our flash movie, so you'll get the feeling of what I'm talking about, okay?

Pause and Reflect - Click here to download the questions below in a word document.

1. Today I'd like you to write a letter in your daily journal to your Mom and Dad or to your early caregivers, and tell them what it was like for you growing up as a child in that environment. Tell them how you felt about it when you were small and also how you feel about it today, now that you have a better understanding of how it has affected you.

Don’t worry about being kind or understanding right now. You can say anything you want to say in your journal. This is a place to tell the truth about the pain that is still left inside you. Tell them about how their choices affected you in your adult life. You’re not going to mail this to them, so it won’t hurt them in any way. You’re writing it simply for your own benefit. Writing about your feelings helps you to feel and release the emotional pain that is still left from what happened back then.

2. Now I'd like you to write a kind, loving letter to your inner child. Use some of the following sentences. "I love you just the way you are! You're beautiful and special and important to me! I understand better than anyone what you've been through! I'm always going to be here for you, no matter what!" Then go on and expand on your feelings.

3. Write a few paragraphs about how you feel after doing today's homework

Guided Visualization: "Healing the Wounded Child"

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Good job! I’m so proud of you! This may feel strange to you at first, but this is one of the most powerful exercises I have ever done with my clients. If you do this process over and over, you will see amazing changes happen in your life. Remember that your subconscious mind takes in your love just as if you had been loved back then. It doesn’t know the difference!

You may want to come back to loving your inner child many times until you actually start to feel loved and lovable in your everyday life.